I normally don’t wax too philosophical on my blog. Today warrants an entry unexpected.
Who are you? Do you know who you are? I disagree with the idea that what you do makes you who you are. Does that negate our free will and our choices? Absolutely not. What drives our free will? What drives us is the innate voice within that us says, “Yes, that aligns with who I am as a person.” or responds with, “No, that is not for me.”
Today, finally, I had the opportunity and free space to think and meditate, almost objectively, on who I am. Since around January/February I have not been myself. The truth of the matter is it can be difficult to reconcile the opinions and beliefs of your closest family members and your own. My family unit is a small one, and the opinions of my mother and Godmother are important to me. The difference in opinion of my family members and myself concerning my love life have not been harmonious. Though the discord has softened, it was very difficult and emotionally suffocating for awhile. Needless to say it took a toll on my happiness. First, it began to erode my confidence in my ability to read people, which has always been one of my strong suits. I felt like I couldn’t make the “right” choice about who to love, who to date. I have made the mistake of looking for the flaws that my mother sees in my boyfriend. Then I lost confidence in myself. From there, with a loss of center and a loss of confidence I lost myself. I felt alone and many of my relationships suffered because of my personal isolation.
Though the past few months have been difficult, I have matured beyond my expectations. 22 has been an excellent year so far. In retrospect the proportions of school stress, personal stress, relationship stress, family stress and job stress taught me quite a bit about myself. Everyone is uniquely made– formed for a purpose that many of us take years to find. Part of our individual unrepeatable make-ups include our flaws. Our flaws, which provide us with the greatest opportunities for personal growth. I am by no means perfect. Ask my boyfriend. Everyone has core issues that reoccur and, if we allow them to, control our choices. Our core issues, which have the capabilities to torment and twist us like pressure does to carbon. We either break or morph into diamonds. I have control issues. I am a perfectionist. I often know much more about others than others know about me. I do not easily accept help. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I am afraid to fail. I have a tendency to over-extend myself.
Today I fell back in love with myself. I realized that there is no “right” or “wrong”. Nothing is black or white. Situations are not monochromatic but varied. I am afraid that there is always a right and a wrong answer, and as a result (especially lately) the joy that I usually breathe into situations has dried up a little. When you don’t feel like yourself, you feel dead. Except after today. After today I can feel my reservoir refilling. My spring is bubbling with joy again and I like it. The truth of the matter is that if you focus on the result you lose the magic of the process. The process is always more important than the destination. I know you’ve heard that before.
I guess the nugget of wisdom that I wanted to relay is that everyone has core issues. If you let them, they can suck you dry and leave you a shell of who you really are meant to be. When I am myself, I feel like I’m safe and at home, but also free enough to venture beyond what I know. Before today, I had lost myself. Before today, I did not feel safe, I felt controlled. Before today, I had forgotten that self-discovery is a beautiful, not scary, thing. There is no “supposed to be”, no “right”, no “wrong”, there is only you, who you are, the choices you’re making and whether or not you let your idiosyncrasies come between you and your own happiness. Getting to know you is just as critical to your survival as food, water and oxygen.