Hello all. I’ve been bad and I’ve missed a few days on this June blog a day journey. I’m going to post the previously assigned posts in due time (probably later tonight) but I wanted to get right down to business with this post: Day 20: share something you’re struggling with right now.
In short, I’m struggling with my relationship. While things have gotten noticeably better between my boyfriend and I the past few weeks I’m struggling with three key things: the idea of true and unconditional love; the question of identifying your life partner; and how to know the difference between normal discomfort and when it’s time to leave.
We’re keeping it light today.
This morning I read the most recent post on the blog Elements of Style entitled “James Gandolfini and My Marriage.” In summation, Erin, the woman behind Elements of Style, opens up about how she and her husband, Andrew, are “mismatched” and their differences caused them to seriously consider divorce. In her post, Erin illustrates her point with a scene from the movie “The Mexican.” In the scene, James Gandolfini asks Julia Roberts what it is you do when you feel you’ve “had enough.” The answer, according to Gandolfini’s character, is to keep going, to keep fighting, to keep trying.
The great thing about my boyfriend is he always wants to keep trying. He’s indefatigable. Like a dog chasing after its favorite blue racquetball, he’s as happy in the chasing as he is in the getting– even if the getting requires a few chases.
Sometimes, especially lately, I want to walk away from trying. It’s not because I don’t love him; it’s because I am not sure he’s ever going to live up to my expectations or my idea of what I think my husband and life should be like. (In my dream life, I wear J. Crew everyday; drive a Range Rover; am a size 4; have a flourishing writing and public relations career; own a house and garden like that of Meryl Streep’s in “It’s Complicated”; am very wealthy; travel all the time and my husband and I have sex every day that rivals what probably happens behind closed doors between Angelina and Brad.) I feel like I’m being forced to reconcile my aspirations with reality and I don’t like it. Lately, as I’ve started my own business and prepare for big next steps at graduate school, I find myself requiring more space, which has made me happier. Does that mean I need to be single?
The answer is: I don’t know. So, I guess I keep trying and trusting that if it’s meant to end I’ll know it and if I’m meant to stay, I’ll know that as well.