Throwing in the Towel

When you’re writing an academic paper you substantiate your claims with the works of others—theories, experiments, and other research.

When you’re going through a breakup and your heart feels like its being put through a meat grinder you search for answers in your friends, your family. You find comfort in the experiences of others; like the women on Sex and the City.

There isn’t a relationship issue that Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte, and Miranda haven’t weathered: divorce, adultery, breakups, bad sex – even momentary lesbianism. So, when your lifelong best friends are too far away (or it’s too late at night) for an emergency wine tasting, sometimes the four women of Sex and the City have to step in.

I think I’ve known for a few months now that my relationship was headed for the rocks. I couldn’t accept it. Perhaps I’m just too stubborn to admit defeat. Or, maybe, I wanted to know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it—that we—are over. I no longer have any doubts.

We can’t stop fighting. I can’t forgive him for his mistakes. He can’t forgive me for mine. We both got us to where we are now. My only comfort is that we both still love one another and want the best for each other. And, that means him moving out of this apartment and not being a couple (now or possibly ever again).

My emotional spectrum is not what I thought it would be. I have had moments of sadness. Mostly, I’ve just felt guilty because us being over is a good thing. Still, I feel like I should have known this was coming. I’ve also been kind of numb; I think my life is too scheduled, busy, and hectic to feel much of anything. I feel like I don’t have much of a choice except to compartmentalize. Decompression will come later.

When I was younger I was better with break-ups. I took pleasure in sitting with the pain. Not because I am a masochist but because I am a firm believer that sitting with the pain in necessary for transcendence. You can’t figure out what you did wrong without sitting with reality—without marinating in the discomfort.

I’m sure that once he moves out I’ll be able to figure out what happened, what went wrong.

The funny thing about break ups is that it’s an opportunity to give yourself a real-world make-over. I’m looking forward to it– and a few really good, strong dirty martinis.