The Kind of Woman

“We have to continually be jumping off cliffs and developing our wings on the way down.” – Kurt Vonnegut

The past few weeks have been wet.

I have cried about finances; because of my relationship and in spite of it. I have cried to evacuate my heart of its heaviness and in worried reflection of my shortcomings. I have cried in light of a canceled job interview and because I’ve felt like a failure in so many respects. I have cried because I feel alone.

The past few weeks have been wet and difficult; send brownies and tissues, won’t you?

Taken as a whole, I feel like I generally have my shit together. I’m almost done with my master’s degree. I have a job. I am not burdened with a dysfunctional marriage or a family that fights. I try my hardest to be a good friend, daughter and partner. Most of the time I succeed; I am an ebullient, fiery optimist. Yet, sitting here (crying) in hindsight’s explication, I don’t feel like any of those things. I don’t feel wise. I don’t feel bubbly. I don’t feel fiery. I feel threadbare.

I miss the sound of my own goddamn laugh.

The personal turmoils of the past two weeks culminated in an emotional maelstrom this weekend. I do not (and will not) go into it, but a tiny betrayal wounded me and has caused me to want to pull away from my partner and, at once, also be held and comforted. I feel needy; I fucking hate feeling needy. I wish for reassurance and solace. I want to know that part of my life is holding together, is okay. What they don’t tell you is that, as an adult, we are most often our own consolers— even when we have people.

So, right now, I’m doing my best to not give up; to be the kind of woman who radiates confidence regardless of circumstance; the kind of woman who is rarely, if ever, jealous, covetous or insecure in her relationships; the kind of woman who does not abandon reason in the face of anxiety; the kind of woman who forgives mistakes, including her own; and the kind of woman who remains lionhearted and indomitable in the pursuit of all that satisfies her and brings her happiness.

Here’s to that kind of woman.

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